A Victory memo from Bangkok

 To my fellow esteemed JBL owners -  

The time has come.  While I have been titillated at times by the JBL website proclaiming my victory for several weeks now, truthfully I have been chronically looking over my shoulder bracing myself for a late flying kick from the BRUSSELS MUSCLES – but I can finally say that it is indeed, at long last..

The Year of the KOK. 

Yes, let those words deliciously linger in your minds – particularly if your name reads Benjamin Pershick.    

Over the last 30 years, my commitment to JBL excellence has never wavered in spite of multiple disastrous campaigns, extended periods of mediocrity and most painfully, a couple of years when I had the trophy firmly in my grasp...only to have Woo (all 5ft 6 of him) track me down with a pair of shocking chase down blocks. 

A promising trend of three consecutive Top 3 finishes culminated this year in a momentous victory – but I assure you that I am not here to please myself by detailing the various successful strategies of the past few year.  It is best that I stay my usual humble JBL self and not offend the fickle gods.  During this season's final weeks, I have been asked questions like “Where will this rank in the KOK's life accomplishments?” and “Will the Kok sink into an instant depression now that he’s finally won” - and the answers are WAY DAMN HIGHER THAN I CARE TO ADMIT and ABSOLUTELY NOT...it feels GREAT and I want more hardware – to join the ranks of GOLDEN, FRENCH and even SEOUL in the upper echelons. 

In keeping with the positive vibes, I am delivering a positive message to each and every one of the JBL teams (ok, maybe I have included a few qualifiers here and there).  I have avoided commenting too much on the past season as I expect that topic to be well-covered in Johnny’s much-anticipated annual review. 

ARCTIC 

Your writing skills, ability to retrieve data quickly, and overall knowledge of world affairs are most impressive.  As is your uncanny ability (willingness/desire/compulsion?) to go down rabbit holes in the dark corners of the web. The last time we saw each other, you were jacking 3's without conscience, strategy nor accuracy - it's a weird juxtaposition with your clever on-line persona.

Surely at some point, your talents will translate JBL relevance?   

BRUSSELS 

You were very generous to have given me an out (i.e. the KOK winning the JBL) on the lifetime scotch annuity that I owed you for your breakthrough 2020 victory.  Keep up the good work – your overall system and focus on quality bigs clearly has you as a perennial contender.   

I don’t generally mess with big Timbo, so I will leave it at that.   

CALI 

As a relative newcomer to the league, you have fully embraced the JBL and its storied history. You know a lot about a lot of things.  Refer to ARCTIC comments above but with particular expertise in geopolitics and all athletes with last names that end in “ic”.   

I expect great things from CALI once you replace the analysts that built your black box JBL model. Failing that, you need to rebuild the model yourself.

CHILLIWACK 

Oh Benny.  Your vulgar cigar chomping smirk and penchant for KOK schadenfreude make it challenging for me to find something nice to say.  I suppose you have succeeded in giving me extra motivation over the years.  And you were also the link to this fantastic league when you introduced a few fellow accountants to it in 1995 – so for that, I am ever grateful. 

I am not grateful however for the memories of Charlie Villanueva or Danny Granger on the KOK.  Or hearing endlessly about Will Barton’s high “pregnant” value.  The list could go on and on along with your various idioms that find a way of surfacing year after year.  I am also not so grateful for the empty trophy case t-shirt that you gave me in 2011.  I know that it has been the source of many giggles for you – I have updated it appropriately and now you can weep. 

DAYTON 

Young Dayton - you’re a chip off the old block.  High in NBA knowledge as well as pleasant and reasonable to deal with in trade negotiations. 

It won’t be a surprise to see you routinely on the left side of the JBL scoreboard now that your Charlotte Hornets fixation appears to have passed. 

FRENCH 

Strong, silent type – and I doubt you will even bother to read this. In any event, your dynastic track record speaks for itself. 

When you and I promptly completed a couple of late season trades this year, I admit that I was concerned about having hit the offer/accept button too hastily – you always seem to have an angle that others don’t. 

GOLDEN 

Johnny - we all know you are a dedicated and skilled commissioner who is the driving force behind the best fantasy league out there.  It’s only a matter of time before your uncharacteristically long dry spell (7 years?) comes to an end.   

I have many more positive things to say - but doing so would greatly upset Benny who secretly craves the same level of respect from the KOK.  I will however confirm the rumour that following any trade I have made, I seek your after the fact opinion...and feel all warm and fuzzy when I get a gold star.  

HAM 

I expect better things from you next year once you have fully digested and incorporated TENDEX into your trade offer analysis.  You were a very strong NFL fantasy pool player when we partnered years ago  – let's see what you can do as you approach lucky season 7 in the JBL.  I think you should enlist your son as partner – he seems to know what he is talking about. 

IDAHO 

You have provided endless entertainment over the years with your trade offers/used car salesman pitches (I love it when you run out of space in the comments section of your trade offers).  Now you are reduced to just providing some hot takes here and there around what is happening the NBA.  Did you pare back the trade offers this year because you became more reasonable at age 40ish or did some of your early season moves handcuff you?   

Similar to how they feel about the KOK, JBL owners prefer an engaged and slightly frustrated IDAHO – we are hopeful for his return next year. 

JUAN 

While it has been a quarter century since your one and only victory, you can still fondly think about that winning team headlined by Baron de Boeuf Davis.  Thank you for the side action bets that make each JBL season even spicier.  Don’t worry, you will have a much better season next year (PS:  let's keep the odds unchanged next year). 

MAUI 

You showed me it could be done when you similarly won for the first time in 2021 after many years in the league.  You go about your JBL business without any fuss (I get the sense that is your MO in life, particularly when dealing with difficult clients like ARCTIC) – and as a result you don’t suffer from the opposition and oppression that the KOK has had to weather over the years.  I am hopeful however that we will one day consummate a trade. 

NORFOLK 

Another big brain amongst the JBL owners but with a medical background and less verbosity...you remember everything, know all the numbers, and enjoy staring at the flashing yellow screen on Friday nights.  With more active in-season management and a greater willingness to tinker, surely better results will follow.

SEOUL 

The KOK’s long-standing frenemy in a number of competitive endeavours these past 30+ years – with the JBL being the most enduring one by a long shot.   

SEOUL cracked the JBL code early on in the 1990s – and made sure the KOK knew it.   The banter has spanned both decades and technologies - with Woo showing up to the KPMG office on Sundays for the faxed stats, not the debits and credits; I would whisper voicemails to Woo with the simple word “Jermaine...” and he would know exactly what happened (i.e. BIG night for Jermaine O’Neal); and now he just trolls the KOK via WhatsApp with references to impotence and flaccidity. 

While the condescending “JBL 101” lectures are now a thing of the past, Woo remains highly confident in his abilities and continues to capitalize on his role as the Woj/Shams of the JBL.  A purposeful leak here and there – and SEOUL manages to somehow secure a favourable outcome for himself.  As a father of two little ones, he may be diminished by sleep deprivation – but you can’t sleep on his team making another run next year.     

CHAMPIONSHIP LUNCH 

Please note that the KOK will be hosting a celebratory luncheon or dinner in downtown Vancouver in the coming weeks.      

Other than noting that the lead sponsor of the event is indeed CHILLIWACK (thank you for your generous donation via ill-advised bet), details will be provided shortly.   

The KOK looks forward to celebrating with you. Come thirsty and hungry.